The guys from The League might just be the least friendly group of friends on TV. They lie, berate, cheat, and manipulate; they also frequently nail each other in the scrotum. The most humorously abominable member of the gang is Nick Kroll’s foul-mouthed attorney Rodney Ruxin, whose perennial dickishness has earned him a place beside Larry David, Dennis Reynolds, and Eric Cartman in the pantheon of great TV assholes. Trash-talking is his martial art, jokes involving bodily fluid are his nunchucks, and friends are nothing more than heads in need of thwacking. Just in time for The League’s two-part season-five finale tonight on FXX, Vulture presents a chronological run-through of Ruxin’s many insults. Feel free to try them on your friends at home.
1. Ruxin (to the gang): “Catch you on the rebound, frumpkins.”
2. Ruxin (to the gang): “Hello, you collection of shit sippers.”
3. Ruxin (to Pete): “Quick question, is ‘Threepeat’ the name of your team or the number of times you plan on getting married?”
4. Ruxin (pretending to be Pete): “Thank god Kevin’s penis is so small I can fit it in my mouth and still talk.”
5. Ruxin (to Andre): “Andre, you’re a plastic surgeon, so the next time I want to take butt fat and inject it into my penis I will come to you.”
6. Ruxin (about Pete’s new apartment): “Well, this place is a shithole.”
7. Ruxin (about himself): “I look like a Nazi propaganda cartoon of a Jew.”
8. Ruxin (in his baby son’s room): “Let’s get all the single men out of here; anyone with communicable diseases, so Jenny …”
9. Ruxin (about naming his dog the same name as Kevin and Jenny’s next child): “This dog is real, your baby’s hypothetical. And, I think, a mistake.”
10. Ruxin (to Andre): “Oh sweet ring tone, you change it from Limp Bizkit?”
11. Jenny (about Andre, who is on the phone outside): “What is he saying to his patient?”
Ruxin: “Probably something like ‘I heard this is an emergency. It’s me Doctor Andre.’ (pretending to be the patient) ‘Oh Doctor Andre you know those calf implants you gave me? Well, it’s making it really hard for me to get my bedazzled Ed Hardy skinny jeans up over my legs … Oh are you wearing a stupid hat?’ ‘You know I am, I’m Doctor Andre.’”
12. Ruxin (talking about the friendship hierarchy): “Look, there’s the United Nations (gestures to the group) and then there’s the Security Council (gestures to Pete and Kevin). United Nations, Security Council, (points at Andre) Ghana.”
13. Ruxin (to Taco): “You know we got you baked when you were 8, and that’s why you’re so dumb now.”
14. Ruxin (while at the spa with Pete and Andre): “Let’s keep the couple’s massage; yeah, yeah, just remember when you’re entering Andre not to say Kevin’s name.”
15. Taco (at a Chinese restaurant, referring to the brain of a fellow diner who they believe to be slow or “a frittata”): “I would trade my normal brain for his brain for one of those egg rolls.”
Ruxin: “That would be a pretty fair trade.”
16. Andre: “I wanna tell you guys something.”
Ruxin: “You coming out of the closet?”
Andre: “No. I have a girlfriend.”
Ruxin: “What’s his name?”
17. (In the pool in Vegas. The draft board is in the pool with them.)
Kevin (to Ruxin and Jenny, who are gushing over their lineups): “Can you stop rosturbating please?”
Pete: “You can’t just masturbate to your lineup in public.”
Ruxin: “Kevin, you’re just jealous cause you took a big shit in the pool and put it up on the board.”
18. Taco (about the trophy Andre has made with a statue of himself on it): “Why doesn’t it have a penis?”
Ruxin: “Oh, because it’s anatomically correct, Taco.”
19. Andre (about his and Ruxin’s upcoming matchup): “The unblinking eye of Sauron has Grima Wormtongue in his sights!”
Ruxin: “It’s amazing how pointless and terrible your analogies are.”
20. Andre (after Rafi has stolen Andre’s car): “If he has sex in that car, you’re buying me a new one.”
Ruxin: “Well, someone will finally have sex in that car.”
21. (After discovering Kevin’s collection of For Dummies books.)
Ruxin: “Really, Weight Training for Dummies?”
Kevin: “I’m getting a home gym.”
Pete: “And apparently you’re not ashamed to admit you know absolutely nothing about it.”
Kevin: “I’m not Chuck Norris, I don’t know about a home gym, so I got the book.”
Ruxin: “Usually we have to root around for your shortcomings like a pig hunting for truffles, but this is just right in front of our faces.”
22. (After discovering Kevin’s For Dummies books.)
Pete: “Mexico’s Beach Resorts for Dummies!? How hard is it to hang out on a beach in Mexico?”
Ruxin: “Is there a How to Hide Your Glaring Lack of Knowledge From Your Friends for Dummies? ‘Cause that’s one you should have bought.”
23. Andre (to Pete and Kevin, about them sleeping with the same girl): “Oh yeah, cause you guys are Eskimo brothers.”
Ruxin (to Pete and Kevin): “Now if you could just get rid of this pesky girl then the two of you guys could be in the igloo all by yourselves, use some whale blubber for lube.”
24. Ruxin (to Andre, who has shown up to the house post-workout): “Ugh, Andre, you smell like 8th-grade kids who haven’t learned to use deodorant yet.”
25. Andre: “You might not know this because I haven’t seen you training, but the whole secret to marathon running is keeping yourself limber and flexible at all times.”
Ruxin: “It’s not dressing like you’re the fifth member of Color Me Badd?”
26. Ruxin: “Oh god, Andre, the stretching indoors and the bib, it just all stinks of so much desperation.”
27. Pete (at a fast-food restaurant): “Are you seriously gonna sit here and not eat a goddamn thing?”
Ruxin: “Look at this shit shack. I wouldn’t eat anything here. You guys all have gutter palettes.”
28. Taco: “Sophia, you look absolutely scrumptious.”
Ruxin (to Taco): “You look like a Russian figure skater.”
29. Ruxin (to Kevin): “You are a bureaucrat, like the fat lady at the DMV, like the piece of shit at McDonald’s who won’t give me a McGriddle at ten-oh-one. My asshole could be a better commissioner than you and I’m ready to prove it (unzips his pants, speaks in a squeaky voice). ‘Hey it’s me, Ruxin’s asshole, and I should be the commissioner instead of Kevin, do you know why? Because I spew less shit, and I smell much better.’”
30. Kevin: “Listen to me: A tie is like kissing your sister, which I think everyone at this table’s done, Andre.”
Ruxin: “I haven’t done it because I just looked at pornographic material of her.”
31. Ruxin: “Andre and I believe that Kevin should accept our tiebreaker scenario, and to settle it I’ve come up with a brilliant idea. Why, we should have a scavenger hunt! And what will we search for? Kevin’s vagina. Because Kevin is such a giant pussy, which is why we are in this situation in the first place.”
32. Kevin: “You wanna play games? I can play games. I am going to change the name of our league. We are now ‘The League Plus One Short Douchebag Named Ruxin.’ Hah!”
Andre: “Ooh, I’m going to change mine too, to ‘The Ruxin Got Serveds.’”
Ruxin: “Oh really? Well, I’m changing my name to “The Andre Cried While Watching Jumanjis.’”
33. Andre (trying to choose an outfit for court): “What says expert witness more: this or this? I mean, this is a little bit more man of the people.”
Kevin: “Who are the people that you’re supposedly a man of with that outfit?”
Ruxin: “My guess it’s a country entirely populated by fans of Aerosmith.”
34. Ruxin (about courtroom sketch of Taco): “She really captures your inner hobo.”
35. Ruxin (to Andre, in court): “And you can take the glasses off if they’re making you look like a total idiot.”
36. Ruxin (about Andre): “And if it pleases the court, I would like the last witness’s vest stricken from the record.”
37. Ruxin (to the gang): “The reunion is the worst thing in the world. I see all the people from high school that I want to see, and I don’t even enjoy that.”
38. Ruxin: “You guys look like you work at Fuddruckers.”
39. Ruxin (about Andre’s soy snacks): “Ugh, that thing smells like Birkenstocks that have been left out at Bonnaroo.”
40. Ruxin (to Sophia, referring to Andre’s newly acquired man boobs): “Hey babe, do we have any appletinis for Andre?”
41. Jenny (to the gang via video message): “We have so much to be thankful for.”
Kevin: “We have a wonderful, healthy daughter.”
Jenny: “Amazing friends.”
Ruxin: “Ugh, so delusional.”
42. Pete (about Andre, who is wearing a bright-orange shirt): “Who’s this douchebag?”
Ruxin: “Oh, this is Terry. He’s the anorexic pumpkin we’re hanging out with today.”
43. Ruxin (after a sweaty post-workout, Rafi gives him a hug): “Oh, you’re so gross.”
44. Ruxin (after winning The League): “There are so many people that I need to thank. All of them happen to be named Ruxin, but I didn’t just appear here. The beautiful flower that you see before you needed sunlight, needed soil, but most of all it needed manure and that’s where you shit people came in. And as your leader, I love you as I will love all of my subjects. Cause you’re Shit People. But you’re MY Shit People. Beat you!”
45. Ruxin (about the Dre trophy falling from the roof and smashing through someone’s windshield): “Wow, it pierced this like it did Andre’s asshole!”
46. Ruxin (to Andre, who has long hair and a beard as Sacko punishment): “Now, Andre, do you see yourself more as like, a rapist who does magic, or a magician who also likes to rape?”
47. Ruxin (to the gang): “Well, I am champion this year, and I feel like it’s time to step it up a notch. I wish that I could take out the Shiva every day and show it to you pathetic, also-ran shit sippers.”
48. Ruxin (to Andre, who has just made gun motions with his fingers): “Why don’t you put the guns away, anorexic David Crosby?”
49. Ruxin (about Dirty Randy): “That dude who looks like an illiterate wolverine?”
50. Ruxin (after Kevin mentions that Jenny has her period): “I thought at this point, after all the time you spend together, you’d be on the same cycle.”
Kevin: “We do not get our periods at the same time.”
Ruxin: “Oh, I was talking about you and Pete.”
51. Ruxin (about Andre’s online dating video): “I gotta ask, have you just been getting a bunch of numbers from dudes?”
52. Ruxin (to Kevin, who asked to be taught how to lie): “Look, I’m not your guy for this. You need a low-level maintenance liar like Pete. (Imitating Pete) ‘No I’ve never been married before, yeah I definitely own my own home, no this isn’t a cold sore.’”
53. Ruxin (to Pete, who is sleeping with Ruxin’s nanny): “Please, stop putting your STD-ridden corncob in my help.”
54. Andre (speculating on what sex act a “Golden Gate” is): “I think it’s when you have sex really early in the morning and right in the middle of it you jump off and commit suicide.”
Ruxin: “No, I think that’s called ‘Having Sex With Andre.’”
55. Pete: “Kevin, your hair is red, and your pubes are red.”
Kevin: “No, it’s not! And how would you even know what color my pubes are?”
Ruxin: “Do you think he keeps his eyes closed when he blows you?”
56. Pete (to Jenny): “Where is your old, old, decrepit husband?”
Jenny: “He’s in the bathroom.”
Ruxin: “I thought he only locked himself in the bathroom when he was home alone with you.”
57. Ruxin: “My bench is this magical mystery realm where ordinary players play like superstars. Like if Kevin were on my bench, he’d be a six-five billionaire who could sexually please his wife.”
58. Jenny (to Ruxin, who is tinkering with his lineup): “Tinker away, Tinkerbell, straight to Never-Never Win land.”
Ruxin: “Will do, Captain Hooker.”
59. Kevin: “I have to pee-pee.”
Ruxin: “What are you, like a 4-year-old gay kid?”
60. Ruxin (to Jenny, who got him sick): “No, you won ‘cause you got me sick, ‘cause you’re a filthy beast and you live in this disgusting hovel and your daughter is just a petri dish with pigtails.”
Jenny: “Jump in at any time Kevin.”
Kevin: “Huh? Oh, don’t talk about my wife like that.”
Ruxin: “Oh, and your goddamn Neanderthal of a husband who doesn’t wash his hands after he goes to Yobogoya. Oh god, you people disgust me. You’re all a bunch of filthy germies.”
61. Taco: “Oh, Ruxin, looks like you may be getting sick.”
Ruxin: “Oh, you think so, Sherlock Homeless?”
62. Ruxin (to Taco, claiming that he has already set his lineup): “You just changed your profile picture to a horse having sex.”
Taco: “Correction: That was a pony having sex with a human.”
Ruxin: “Who was the human? Andre?”
63. Ruxin (to Kevin and Pete, who are working out in Kevin’s garage): “I can’t believe they opened a Curves gym in your garage.”
64. Ruxin (to Kevin, about his garage): “It smells like a Guatemalan YMCA in here. Congratulations on that.”
65. Ruxin: “Andre — and I say this fondly — your sister was such an unrelenting slut-bag.”
66. Kevin (to Ruxin, about Andre’s sister): “The most promiscuous woman we know wouldn’t have sex with you. How does that feel?”
Andre: “Facial!” (Puts his hand in Ruxin’s face.)
Ruxin: “I’m pretty sure the facials were going toward her, Andre.”
67. Andre: “Do you engage in sexual activity?”
Ruxin: “Yep.”
Andre: “With multiple partners?”
Ruxin: “Only when your mom and sister are in town.”
68. Andre (trying to get the gang to guess his secret): “How about we do it like a blind item: What person that we all know was in a very unusual place?”
Ruxin: “Ooh I know: Andre in a woman’s vagina.”
69. Ruxin (to Andre, who is wearing a pageboy cap): “What, are you going back to your old job as a caretaker at a downtrodden estate?”
70. Pete (to Andre, who is wearing sunglasses and a black leather jacket): “All right, easy, Jason Statham.”
Andre: “Call me ‘The Transporter.’”
Ruxin: “Or call him transgender.”
71. Ruxin (about Taco): “It’s like talking to a block of marble.”
72. Taco: “And I don’t want you to worry about the cost of the business-dinnering tonight, it’s on me. Right, buddy?”
Ruxin: “I can pay, Taco, because you’re basically a homeless person.”
73. Jenny (to Ruxin, who is making an angry face): “You know Ruxin, you keep making that face, it might freeze that way.”
Ruxin (gives Jenny the finger): “If I keep making this finger, you think it’ll freeze this way too?”
74. Ruxin (to Ellie): “Your daddy’s your hero?”
Ellie: “Mmhm.”
Ruxin: “You should aim higher, like a low-end bookie or a spare tire.”
75. Ruxin (to Andre’s hand, after Andre told him to “talk to the hand”): “I’m sorry you have to pleasure that monster. It must be unbearable for you.”
76. Pete (to the gang about his new League position): “I got myself a new title. I am the Custodian of the Hall of Records.”
Ruxin: “Custodian’s fitting.”
77. Ruxin (about how none of them know what Andre’s penis looks like): “You threw him in the lake nude when we were in high school.”
Pete: “Yeah, I wasn’t looking at his crotch.”
Ruxin: “Oh, you didn’t want to cheat on Kevin.”
78. Ruxin (after Taco comes in really late with a punchline): “You have to excuse Taco, he’s on a five-second tape delay.”
79. Ruxin (about Andre’s botched circumcision): “So basically Andre’s doctor got what he could, just like scraping the barnacles off a boat, blindfolded in rough seas.”
80. Ruxin (about Rafi’s date): “Who’s the future missing person?”
81. Ruxin (about Kevin’s “Judge face”): “Looks like you’re trying to pass one of these wasabi peas through your urethra.”
82. Andre (protesting against the gang’s claims that he is bald): “I have, like, very thin, like, clear hair.”
Pete: “Okay, so these are basically like those clear friends you played with growing up.”
Ruxin: “Or like that clear girlfriend you had at camp who let you finger her in the water-ski shack?”
83. Andre (about Kevin’s “Judge face”): “Yeah, you probably don’t want to do that face at the charity dinner.”
Ruxin: “Unless judges are supposed to look like they’re shitting out a yam.”
84. Ruxin (to Andre about his tailgate setup): “Ugh, Dre Town sucks goat scrotes.”
85. Ruxin (about Pete’s chin injury): “Let me clarify what happened with you and this woman. You were helping her with her car … what I don’t understand is when Kevin’s balls appeared and just thwacked you under the chin and lacerated it.”
86. Ruxin (about Pete and Kevin chasing each other): “Wow, what a show of athletic prowess. It’s like watching a beauty contest between Sam Cassell and Jeff Van Gundy.”
87. Ruxin (about Sophia and himself): “She looks like she belongs on a beer poster, and I look like the guy who makes you answer riddles before you cross a bridge.”
88. Kevin (to Ruxin, who has accused him of crushing Jenny’s spirit by impregnating her): “I did not crush Jenny’s spirit!”
Ruxin: “Kevin, you are a soul-crushing ninja. You’ve convinced all of us to hang out you, and we’re not even the depository for your rancid seed.”
Kevin: “Okay.”
Ruxin (points to Pete): “Well, most of us.”
89. Ruxin (about Andre’s masturbation impotence): “It’s like his dick knows that the hand belongs to Andre and can’t get hard for him!”
90. Ruxin (to Kevin and Jenny): “Guys, your marriage is working worse than Andre’s dick.”
91. Kevin: “I’m trying to eat healthier because I have a … thing … that I’m planning for.”
Ruxin: “You going to the mall to get your glamour shots done?”
92. Ruxin (to Pete about Kevin): “I’m not going to make fun of him getting a colonoscopy, especially since the amateur ones you’ve been giving him over the years have not been working.”
93. Ruxin (about Kevin’s behavior after surgery): “Under oath, I couldn’t tell if that was Kevin being drugged up or his general ape-like cavorting.”
94. Jenny (to Ruxin): “You’re on the message boards all the time saying that you’re going to put your D up Kevin’s B. Do you?”
Ruxin: “No, because he is Pete’s property.”
95. Ruxin (to the gang): “Nobody can love Andre the way that we can love Andre, and we cannot stand Andre.”
96. Ruxin (to Kevin): “You look like a gangster from Brussels.”
97. Ruxin (to Andre and Trixie): “Aw, that’s so cute! You guys like to take two real words, and then combine them into one fake one.”
Andre: “Yeah, so if there’s ever a Carmageddon in Chicago I can wear these on our staycation.”
Trixie: “Oh my goodness.”
Ruxin: “Yeah, that makes me want to crarf.”
Andre: “What’s crarf?”
Ruxin: “Cry and barf at the same time.”
98. Pete: “I’m in the goddamn Shiva bowl, and I can’t even enjoy it. This should be the happiest time of my life!”
Ruxin: “Well, that is a testament to how sad your life is, Pete.”
99. Ruxin (about Andre): “Even in the afterlife he’s got a substandard peen.”
100. Kevin (about the pool chairs): “These are reserved. This is for Pete, that’s for Jenny.”
Ruxin: “Yup. First wife, second wife.”
101. Ruxin (about Kevin having two wives, Pete and Jenny): “Kevin’s like a Mormon without any of the financial prowess.”
102. Ruxin (to Jenny): “Whoops? That’s all you have to say in your little slutty-leprechaun outfit?”
103. Pete: “Andre, why don’t you get us all a bucket of beers?”
Ruxin: “But don’t put your jizz-riled hands on them, okay?”
104. Kevin (about Ellie asking about his team name): “This is something you’re going to have to worry about once Geoffrey starts asking questions about your team name.”
Ruxin: “Oh ‘Pete Top, Kevin Bottom’? No, I didn’t have to explain it to him. He intuitively understood that you were the submissive.”
105. Ruxin (about Taco’s inheriting a van from his uncle): “Let us know when you’re going to do the anniversary of you getting molested in there.”
106. Andre (referring to options for Ruxin’s staycation): “Or go back to your wife and kids.”
Ruxin (referring to Taco): “Mm, I think I’ll work for this bucket of meatloaf.”
107. Andre (to Kevin): “Do you have any open sores or legions on your penis?”
Ruxin: “Why don’t we ask Patient Zero?” (Points to Taco.)
108. Ruxin (about having Taco’s truck at his kid’s birthday party): “I would rather set up a back-rub station run by Jerry Sandusky.”
109. Ruxin (about the green pee stain on Kevin’s crotch): “Speaking of losers, what happened to your pants there, Jackson Pollock? Did an alien finish on you? “
110. Ellie (referring to a dog): “The wiener ran way!”
Ruxin: “It’s ironic, because usually wieners make a beeline for Andre’s buns.”
111. Ruxin (to Kevin and Jenny, about Kevin eating snacks out of the toilet): “Bon appetite, Wolfgang Schmucks.”
112. Ruxin (suggesting a stage name for Andre): “What about Lamey Fox?”
113. Maude (to Jenny): “What kind of woman are you?”
Jenny: “I’m awesome.”
Ruxin: “The kind of woman who takes her husband from behind?”
114. Andre: “My first word was Amaretto.”
Ruxin: “Yeah, that makes sense. Your parents were probably pounding the hard stuff as soon as you were born.”
115. Jenny (about Ruxin’s dog): “He pops a boner every time I’m around him — it’s embarrassing.”
Ruxin: “It’s embarrassing that he’s got such terrible taste.”
116. Ruxin (to Jenny, who has showed up at his house in a slutty outfit attempting to give his dog a boner): “Oh, look, it’s the prostitute my dog ordered.”
117. Ruxin (to his dog, about Jenny): “Oh, Kale, your dog streetwalker has arrived!”
118. Ruxin (after Taco has discovered that Ruxin’s dog is watching porn with him): “Goddamn it Taco, you idiot-genius-frittata busybody!”
119. Ruxin (to Taco): “You’re a filth monster.”
120. Andre: “I need your help. I’m being sued for malpractice.”
Ruxin: “Did you leave a fedora in a woman during surgery?”
121. Ruxin (to Pete, who is wearing a suit): “Hello, look at you, you give a hand job to the Men’s Warehouse guy?”
122. Andre (about befriending a patient in hospital): “He loves this. He’s confined to a hospital bed, but he gets to experience Dre Town through me.”
Ruxin: “So, by comparison he realized that his life in the hospital isn’t so bad.”
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